Personal Sharings

You are invited to share your story with others, if you would like to do this please send an email to NZ Al-Anon GSO

A FAMILY MEMBER'S STORY
By Anonymous
This story is a fitting example of how a family member can be supported to develop resilience in the face of a loved one’s drug and alcohol problem – provided by Higher Ground addiction treatment service.

When my partner went to treatment, I did not like being on the outside. I was resentful. It seemed like he was being looked after – again – and I was left to cope – again.

I was kept politely but firmly away. It was a valuable lesson to me in letting go, but at the time, I was furious. I believed I had looked after, rescued, paid for and managed our life together – and I felt entitled to contact when I wanted.

My partner was a long-term narcotics addict and he needed to make profound changes if he were to get well. One of those meant extricating himself from me. If we were to recover we had to learn to live without using each other. Treatment taught us about boundaries.

We’d had a covert deal on an emotional level: he looked after my feelings, made me feel better about myself, provided fun; and I covered and kept secrets, backed him, paid the bills.

We always loved, liked and were interested in each other. But I learned that he was never responsible for my unhappiness, or my happiness. I had to take my hands off, my hooks out and look the other way.

It took me longer to realise that my life too was unmanageable, because I was the one who had a career, looked responsible and even successful: I was in control – he was to blame for the chaos.

When I met my partner, he was exciting, loving, warm and he appreciated me. We had some fun and good times. For a long time I did not know he was an addict. He drank a lot, but then everyone did. He was absent a lot, and often I couldn’t work out who he was or where he was inside himself.

Some of my ignorance was denial – not wanting to name what was wrong because then I would have to leave him. But my partner kept his drug use away from me, as his way of trying not to bring me down with him.

Seven years later though, we had a baby, I was exhausted, resentful, and obsessed with my misery. My partner was in trouble with drug-dealing.

I finally – almost – admitted I was powerless over addiction. I said ‘don’t come home’. I realised I had to hand my partner over to others, and that I needed help too.

While my partner was in the Detox unit, a nurse took me to an Al-Anon Family Groups meeting. I was told there was a name for what had happened; that it drove other people as crazy as me, that this was the family disease of alcoholism. (I mentally substituted the word addiction, although my partner was also an alcoholic.)

I had to learn to put myself first, to turn the focus back on what I was doing with my life, learn to give to myself before I could give to anyone else. I also learned compassion for the addict.

At Al-Anon we shared the same feelings. They understood as my other friends could not. Al-Anon encouraged me to stop complaining, and showed me how to stop the self-pity. We didn’t talk about them, we talked about us.

After two years my partner and I decided to try again as a couple, and many years later, we have had struggles as well as all the joys of family life.

I continue within Al-Anon where I find guidance and community. My partner has unconditionally supported me, and sometimes even goes to Al-Anon with me too! For me, thankfully, change was possible.

How We React
By Ken B., Kentucky

I wasn't sure if I really needed Al-Anon. I didn’t feel I could relate to the pain and suffering of the wives and mothers of alcoholics. I hesitated until just before my spouse got out of an alcoholism treatment center before I finally attended my first meeting.

“At a lot of the meetings I attend I’m still the only male…”

It was quite an experience to meet with eleven women, but it wasn't as bad as I expected. I actually felt encouraged to come back. At a lot of the meetings I attend I'm still the only male, but that's okay. I've found these Al-Anon members and I share more similarities than differences. Although our experiences may be different, our feelings of helplessness, hopelessness, and despair are the same.

Recently I heard a member share a portion of her experiences before and after Al-Anon, and it was as though she was telling my story. Pain and suffering affect men and women the same. How we react may be different, but I am surprised how many of us react the same way.

I have the opportunity to be involved in service work and I’m glad to see that there are a number of men who are involved. All of us are Al-Anon members trying to carry the message of help and hope to people whose lives have been affected by another person’s drinking. Now I know that all I really needed to make my life happy and serene was the program and our fellowship.

Reprinted with permission of The Forum,
Al-Anon Family Group Hdqs., Inc., Virginia Beach, VA

The Tools To Change
By Marie S., Maryland

Changed attitudes can aid recovery. Of course, to me that meant his attitudes and his recovery. After all, there was nothing wrong with me or my attitudes. If he would only change and accept this wonderful program, I would be just fine.

Initially I just couldn’t comprehend why I needed to change. Wasn’t he the one with the problem? If he just saw how lucky he was to have me, everything would be all right. This attitude stuck with me for a long time. However, after attending many meetings and talking to anyone who would listen, I finally realized how much I needed to change my way of thinking. I had gotten myself into a rut or pit of self-justification and self-pity. My thoughts were, “If you lived my life, which was my horrible self-pity, you would do what I did, which was my self-justification.”

It seemed as though no one in my Al-Anon meeting was in the same place I was. They also were recovering from the effects of alcoholism, but their lives steadily moved forward while mine remained motionless. I began to realize it was time to rid myself of self-justification and self-pity and to accept that no one else was responsible for my happiness.

I didn't know how to change. Although change didn't come naturally, I used the Al-Anon tools to change what I could. After all, doing things the same old way was getting me nowhere. I soon found out if you do something long enough, even if it is uncomfortable, it becomes part of your life.

Respect and trust were especially difficult for me. It helped when I treated others the way I wanted to be treated – which brought back some of my respect for others. Having respect for others helped me trust them. This in turn helped me trust in a Higher Power.

I am grateful Al-Anon gave me the tools to change my attitudes.

Reprinted with permission of The Forum,
Al-Anon Family Group Hdqs., Inc., Virginia Beach, VA